Fighting the Hope Monster
Back in 2016, I interviewed Oren Brimer, a New York-based producer, director, and writer, about his short movie “See You Around.” The movie follows the protagonist, Thomas, and his struggles to move on from his ex-girlfriend. At one point in the movie, Thomas’ therapist tells him that a Hope Monster is living inside him. Thomas feeds and keeps this monster alive whenever he thinks that things can still work out between him and his ex and every time he tries to contact her.
I was particularly intrigued by the idea of Hope Monster that Brimer created as I realized how familiar we actually are with this monster. We all have had at least one person who we struggle to forget and let go no matter how much we know it’s over.
In the interview, Brimer said, “At a person’s core, they just want to be loved and wanted. When you go through a breakup, you’re experiencing the harsh reality that someone doesn’t want you anymore, and your brain goes into a panic and starts strategizing all the ways you can avoid and deny that reality.”
That particular part was like a slap to my face, and it was a slap that you’d still remember years after. Hope Monster grows within ourselves as our defense mechanism towards the realization that someone doesn’t want us as much as we want them. And it’s not limited only to romantic breakups.
During all those years between moments before the interview and the minute I was writing this, I’ve fed many Hope Monsters. I’ve kept alive the hopes that people I cared about would return the feeling if I behaved in certain ways that I thought they’d like — if I listened to the same types of music they do, be excited about certain topics, or even if I had certain opinions on certain matters that I thought would fit their views. I’ve kept alive the hopes that were based on what I wanted to be true; the ones that count all the hits and not the misses.
It was only through time and experiences, both of mine and others, that I truly understand that it was never about that.
People come and go. Some are meant to stay longer than others. Just like in movies, some people can be the protagonist, the asshole, the reliable wingman, the plot twist, or simply a cameo in your life. Sometimes people come with an expiration date. And when their roles in your life are over, you just have to cherish it, embrace the connection you once had, learn the lessons they bring to you, love them for it, and move on with your life. You don’t owe any explanation to yourself or to anyone why things work out or why they don’t.
Sometimes, we will miss the people we no longer want in our lives, and that’s okay. For me, I eventually learned that to let go and move on is not to win the battle against the Hope Monster. But rather, to forgive and make peace with reality, the present, and most importantly, with yourself.
***
